I think I'm losing yet another friend and I don't know what to do about it.
When I was a kid, back before my family packed up and moved from Missouri to North Carolina, friendship was so easy. I had a few friends that were my "Best Friends Forever" necklace sharing, sleepover having, awesome friends. Then we moved. Amid all of the usual promises to write every day and always be best friends, we grew apart quickly.
In my new state, my family quickly became involved in a church where I would grow to learn that people move in and out of your life like people do checkout lines at the grocery store. I would have one friend for 6 months, a year maybe, and then something would happen (they'd move away, church disagreements, whatever) and we'd no longer see each other.
Rotating friendships are something I'm accustomed to. I play the same role in most relationships, the supportive, listening, always nodding in agreement friend that makes silly jokes and references that make people shake their head and roll their eyes. Eventually, I can't keep up the "always nodding in agreement" bit and then the problems come. It's not that I didn't agree with my friend up to that point and just bit my tongue. It's really that if you're friends with someone long enough, you will someday find some point of contention.
The last fallout was when I worked at the Credit Union. I quickly became friends with a new coworker, she was high-strung and passionate, and decided that we would be friends. We'll call her "Jenny." After spending a lot of time together, I found out that she was pretty unhappy in her relationship. She was contemplating moving out and was browsing for apartments. I took her out one night to cry into a burger because she didn't feel that her partner found her attractive. Didn't see her for 48 hours and she came back excitedly chatting about browsing engagement rings with her partner.
I should've kept my mouth shut.
Instead, I opened my mouth as wide as I could and put my foot, leg, ass, and everything else in. "Are you okay with this? Just a few days ago you were looking at apartments to move away from him."
An office war immediately broke out between the two of us. I wasn't spoken to by almost anyone for weeks and she quickly found a new bestie. Neither of us acted appropriately and I feel badly for it. I should've just apologized, but I couldn't fathom anyone just living for the "special day." Eventually people in the office started talking to me again and I didn't have to spend every spare moment reading to avoid glaring eyes. But the damage was done.
Fast forward to today, and I've opened my big mouth yet again. A friend, I've miraculously held onto for the last few years, is hardly speaking to me.
I've been nodding my head supportively and listening to "Marcy" struggle with an abusive relationship for nearly 3 years. We were close friends, something I hadn't been able to say since I was a kid. I was the only one to visit her during her miscarriages and more than once, she told me that I was the only one that understood a 1000 other heartbreaks.
But then, her husband hit her. She wasn't just left alongside the road in a pregnant state or kicked out of her house. Her kids weren't told that she didn't love them by someone trying to hurt her and the children she holds dear. All inexcusable things for anyone to put up with, but I didn't say anything all of the other times, because she asked me not to. Everything she has put up with has been wrong and I've tried to give her ideas on how to make herself more safe, how to prepare to get out. It's just not enough though. He hit her.
She finally left him and I was relieved.
But less than a day later, she went back to him and told me that she would kick him out when he was "in a good mood".
She asked if I was mad and I said, "No. I just don't understand." So she rapidly changed the conversation and then didn't speak to me for 10 days. I've texted her and now I get a one or two word response if I'm lucky.
I tried again today and nothing.
I'm tired of losing friends because I want to help.
Jenny and I were only friends for a few months. I thought we were at a point that I could question things, but I wasn't. That was my mistake. But to have someone cut you off after several years of friendship and blunt honesty without a word? Ouch.
I was in an abusive relationship once. It wasn't for long, because I figured it out pretty quickly, but I remember the isolation. It felt like I wasn't allowed to do anything on my own. The guy I was with had somehow gotten phone numbers for most everyone that I spent time with and would constantly text them to find out where I was. He didn't even want me hanging out alone with my brother by the end. The manipulation was intense and constant. I wouldn't have recognized it if it weren't for the fact that I'd take a women's studies class the previous semester and remembered my teacher reading a list of behaviours that aren't always considered abuse, but still are.
I was in shock when I figured it out; I broke it off and I had to deal with the consequences. He faked his suicide, tried to make it seem that it was my fault...I was mortified. Once that whole situation was resolved, I had to deal with the harassing text messages, voicemails, and emails for the next few months. He called me every name in the book while begging me to come back. I would never go back. In fact, I'd really love to run into him now so that I could have a few choice words.
Things aren't as simple for Marcy as they were for me; kids are involved, legal ties have been formed. I also understand that not every person that is abused sees it that way. It's not always easily recognizable and oftentimes the people that know you don't even see it. Or, maybe it's visible, but the abused person just doesn't understand how bad it really is. Either way, I've been holding out a hand this whole time and I've been waiting to help out. It hurts to have it slapped out of the way without a second thought.
I just want to be a friend. But what does that mean? Do I have to watch my friends’ compromise and pretend that it's okay with me? Even worse, do I have to compromise my own integrity and pretend that I agree with everything? I don't know, but I don't like it. I just hope that I’m not broken. I don’t seem to have the best track record on this whole friend-having business.
*sigh*
//End emo rant//
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